oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
