you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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