Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
God, I missed his penis.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
