I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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