i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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