Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
