Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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