I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
