I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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