They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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