I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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