like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just want nice things and good sex
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
