last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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