I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
