if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
