They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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