Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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