I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
