so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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