All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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