i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize