I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
