If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
