Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
