Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
