I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
