i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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