The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
