why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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