well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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