I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize