it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
