Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
