Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
