Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
