Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
