After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
