i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
