gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
