I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
