I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
