It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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