MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
