I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
