Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
