Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
