Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
