There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
