I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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