I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
