If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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