You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
