My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
