That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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