oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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