I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
