i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
