it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
