Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
