I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
