Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
